Please, reinforce our hellolead story. Let's... go to pregunta! A disappointing this year... CHASTIC SONG! You're listening to the Hour of the Time, and I'm Pooh. And I'm William Cooper. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. And good night, folks, and God bless you all again. Okay, I'll see you later. I'll come and tuck you in. Okay, good night, Allison, and good night, Mommy. And good night, Poppy. Good night, babe. Let me see here. Ladies and gentlemen, we are not going to do what you thought we were going to do tonight, simply because I received what I've been waiting for, or one of the things that I've been waiting for. And tonight we're going to have a little humor. At least I think you'll all get a kick out of this. You're going to hear, first, President Clinton give a little speech. And then you're going to hear someone else give a little speech. And I'll let you discover who it is when it happens. But it's incredibly truthful, incredibly witty. It's handled with a degree of high intelligence and, of course, humor. I regret sincerely that you will not be able to see the look on Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton's face during the second part of this broadcast. Because I've got to tell you, if you could see it, it would be worth probably a million dollars to most of the listeners of this broadcast to be able to see the face of Billery when this takes place. I'm having a little trouble here with this silly disk player. And I don't know why. But I'm going to get it straightened out somehow. I don't know what's wrong. Let me try this. And see what happens. Well, I don't know, folks. It looks like my disk player has died. And if it has, we're not going to have any music. And if we don't have any music, we're going to lose part of the fun. And that's certainly not working. So let me try one thing else. I understand that a lot of you didn't comprehend what we were doing last night. And let me say this to those of you who didn't. If you're really that dumb, you shouldn't be listening to this broadcast. We're going to continue what we did last night, tomorrow night. But tonight we're going to do this. If that hurts your feelings, then I'm sorry. Because the level of intelligence that you need to listen to this broadcast is higher than that of a duck. And if you didn't understand what we were about last night, then, folks, I've got to tell you, your IQ is about on the level of a duck. Sorry about that, but it's the truth. You see, if you want to know what this New World Order is all about, you have to understand who brought it about. Well, it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready. Now, go cash for a window. Well, I've got something working there. Now, let's see if I can get the one that I want. I know it can't be where I live. Yeah, I know that I think you're rocking, buddy. Keep walking, strolling, stick to you. And do that crazy, man. Keep walking, strolling, stick to you. I'm a mama, I'm a mama, I'm a mama, look it up, bro. I know it's a good song. Yeah, she do it, I dance, I know it's a good song. Now, you're making me a pencil die. Tell me, baby, I'm sitting down, I dance, I want to die. Well, I'm in the body of the sea. I know it can't be where I live. I know it's a good song, I know it can't be where I live. It's a good song, I know it's a good song. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. laugh at my jokes, but when reporting on this event can identify me only as a highly placed commander-in-chief of the world's last remaining superpower. I'm really glad Don Imus came to Washington. You know, all politicians pander to Don Imus because real people listen to him. And he actually takes credit for getting me elected in 1992. He might have done it. But what I want to know is, what has he done for me lately? I mean, the, you know, I really had thought, well, he was farming in 92, surely after I've done such a good job as president of you farming in 96, but not on your life. I got out and did. Senator Dole, who is a skillful negotiator, as we all know, have told him, he said, he can be Imus in the morning and the White House press secretary in the afternoon. You heard the speaker talk about the historic meeting we had yesterday at the White House with Senator Dole. I was mildly apprehensive, but it was just like all of our normal meetings. The majority leader asked me for the first time whether the roof leaked and when was the last time the kitchen was remodeled. With all my supporters who aren't laughing, they don't think it's funny. This is an interesting time. You know, I had an interview with a, with a print reporter. A few weeks, a couple weeks ago. And he said to me, just at the end of the interview, he said, now, what is your bumper sticker slogan for re-election? And I must say it, it took me aback. It was the first time I had thought about the November elections. So I gave him some answer off the top of my head, which was pretty good in the moment, but it, it sobered me up. It made me think that we had better start thinking about the election and about our bumper sticker slogans. So a bunch of us sat down over the weekend and we came up with some possibilities and I thought I would share them with you. We start out with the obvious, Clinton Gore 96. All right. The obvious. Then I showed this to the vice president and asked for his reinventing government suggestion. And this is what he came up with. Gore Clinton 2000. And then we decided, you know, bumper stickers, you have to identify with them in a hurry. So we decided to see if we could just sort of modify some that are around the lot. And this was the first suggestion. Don't blame me. I voted for me. And then we thought we ought to have one that had a certain reverent overtone that referred to this year's budget battle. Talk if you love Medicare. And James Carville sent us one for the war room. You know, the hangs above the water deal. It's the incumbency, stupid. And then we have one that should appeal to all parents of college students. I send all my money to the electoral college. Then we have these that remind you of these travel bumper stickers you see all the time. I'd rather be in Ohio. Would you believe Michigan? California? We have 47 others, but we're almost to halftime. And then I wanted to identify with important interest groups. So I thought we saw this one. I'm a cat lover and I vote. And then we did one for our upscale supporters. Mr. Speaker, we have just a few left. Our upscale Democrats who felt sorry for me when the bumper fell off the presidential limousine in Louisiana earlier this week. We think this will reassure them. No, this is not it. Yeah, here it is. My other car is therefore one. And then we have this very special one to appeal to the parents with school-age youngsters. It says, my senior advisor for policy and strategy is an honor student. And I'm proud of it. And finally, we've got one for when things don't go right. It says, if you can read this, I've lost my motorcade. So we've got to get prepared because this election will be on us before you know it. They say, they happen so fast in Washington. I can't believe we've been here three years. And just a year ago, the 104th Congress was underway. The contract with America was in high gear. I asked if the Democratic Party could be protected under the Endangered Species Act. A year later, it's fair to ask, how is the contract with America doing? Well, great as far as I'm concerned. But give the Republicans credit. They are not backtracking. They're hanging tough. I did, however, hear one Republican refer to it now as a tentative oral agreement with America. But seriously, they do remain committed to the contract. And one thing I will say about the speaker that I really admire is he's got an incredibly flexible, imaginative mind. And he has come up with a new, if only slightly less ambitious, legislative agenda for the remainder of this session to reaffirm just how deeply the Republicans believe in the principles of their contract. Intent on returning all power back to the states, all 236 Republican members of the House have added their signature to the original Articles of Confederation. They have spent real quality time, dozens of them, in states, especially Iowa and New Hampshire. Last year, they failed but tried to enact term limits. This year, they have a new term limit proposal, a strict 15-minute limit on the Stairmasters in the House Gym. And they are really serious about this one. And they have a tax cut for families, which I support. Unfortunately, they have targeted theirs at the Forbes family in New Jersey. I want to say to all of you, I feel particularly indebted to you this year because of the work that the representatives of the media did at the White House recently when they came together and agreed to work together in a totally voluntary way to try to help our youngsters avoid seeing material that is too violent or otherwise inappropriate. And while these moguls of the media were there, they gave me a lot of good advice for my own business. Aaron Spelling said my staff was too old. Ted Turner offered to colorize Warren Christopher. Someone suggested that I should move the six loudest, most attractive, youngest staff members I have to New York and have them start working out of an oversized apartment in Cappuccino Place. One of the TV guys said I should turn Leon Panetto into sort of a wacky neighbor character. Someone from CBS suggested I write Elizabeth Taylor in all my speeches for a week. Someone suggested I should have Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, call the Oval Office the next time I score a major legislative victory. And what I thought was really cruel, one man said the next time you address the nation, you should flash winning lotto numbers under the screen. Mr. Speaker, I even got a good suggestion for the next State of the Union. Someone suggested that, like Ed McMahon, I should have Al Gore yell out things like, yes! Or, you are correct, sir! In the middle of the State of the Union. Thank you. Believe me, I need all the advice I can get, and I'm sure the rest of you will give me a lot of it. We're now in November. But let me also thank you for having Hillary and me here tonight, and thank you for what you do. Like the Speaker, I grew up on Walter Cronkite, and I'm honored to be here with him tonight. I remember when he was first called the most trusted man in America, and before faxes and cable TV and Internet. But the things he brought to this work are still important today. I sometimes think that the exploding information and the technology makes your job even harder. And the fact that Americans have so much information may make your job even more difficult. To bring knowledge and judgment and honesty to the task of distilling what it is you report and how you report it, to be fair, objective, to be critical when you should, and yet not be afraid to tell the good news once in a while, I think it's harder today than it used to be. And sometimes politicians get to feeling sorry for each other. After the Speaker and I talked about this biography of George Washington, because we both read it, I felt better when I realized that General Washington was even more obsessed with his image than I am. It's maybe one reason why he had a better one, I don't know. But I do think that there's some constancy in the tension that has run through the relationship with the press, the public officials over the years. But we are, after all, the longest-lasting democracy in history. And we are, after all, the best-positioned country in the world for the 21st century. And we are because we have found a way to live with our incredible diversity and to keep growing and going and learning. So I think that you face challenges that are different from the ones your predecessors face, and so do we. But if we can continue to honor the Constitution and honor the public trust that you and we have inherited, this country is going to do just fine. I don't know about you, but this has been a good news evening for me. And I thank you for that. Thank you. Thank you. We in Washington tend to take ourselves a little too seriously, and tonight a dose of Don Imus is perhaps what we journalists and politicians could use very much. Don Imus. Thank you very much. It's kind of interesting. It don't appear to be my notes. Do you have the folder I gave you? Thank you. Where did this come from? Well, nobody leaves stuff like this just laying around. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me see if I can see what it says. S. McDougal called again. Says, bank needs check-in statement. Told her both are in mail. Ha, ha, ha. Jesus, she looks stupid in those tank tops. Maybe I'll just hang on to these. Oh, here we go. Good evening, Mr. President, Mrs. Clinton. Honored guests, ladies and gentlemen. Radio and TV scum. You know, I think it would be fair to say that back when the Clintons took office, if we had placed them all in a lineup, well, not a lineup, if we were to have speculated on which member of the first family would be the first to be indicted, I don't mean indicted, I meant to receive a subpoena. Everybody in this room would have picked Roger. I mean, been there, done that. Well, in the past three years, Socks the Cat has been in more jams than Roger. Roger has been a saint. The cat has peed on national treasures. Roger hasn't. Socks has thrown up hairballs. Roger has them. Socks got his girlfriend pregnant and had... Oh, no, that was Roger. And as you know, nearly every incident in the lives of the first family has been made worse by each and every person in this room, the radio and television correspondents, even innocuous incidents. For example, when Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig's consecutive game record, the president was at Camden Yard doing play-by-play on the radio with John Miller. Bobby Bonilla hit a double, and we all heard the president, in his obvious excitement, holler, Go, baby! I remember commenting at the time, I bet that's not the first time he said that. Remember the afterturf and the pickup? And my point is, there is an innocent event made sinister by some creep in the media. Although, in some cases, the Clintons have not exactly helped themselves. Imagine if back in 1978, Mrs. Clinton had not said to Mr. Clinton, Honey, Jim and Susan are here, and they've got some riverfront land for these great vacation homes, and maybe we can make some serious money. And he said, God, I love this Reaganomics. Or later, she said, Bill, I talked to Webb, and he said, put down 600 hours. And he said, Wow, that's a lot. She said, Yes, I think 60 makes more sense. And recently, somebody said, I don't know, I left them on the table in the book room. Which reminds me, in light of the controversy that surrounded the publication of Mrs. Clinton's book, perhaps Anonymous, should have written Detective Village. And then there's Senator D'Amato's book, Detective Village Idiot. The senator suggests that the Clintons hung around with unsavory characters in Little Rock. What the hell is he talking about? All of his friends have bodies in the trunks of their cars. By the way, my candidate for primary colors is Susan Thomas, the literary agent. I think she wrote it and simply can't remember. When I was asked to speak here tonight and was told who would be in attendance, my initial thought was, Well, I've already said almost every awful thing you could say about almost everyone in the room. And then I thought, Well, almost everything. And I recognize I'm not going to be invited to Renaissance Weekend or that bohemian deal where Newt, Rush, and Dick, all sitting in the teepee, naked, beating on Tom Toms. I won't be having lunch with Peter Jennings and some Hollywood nitwit, so this could actually be fun. Well, let's start at the bottom with you folks in the media and work our way up. Do you remember the infamous curbside shooting photograph from the Vietnam War? Well, I'm watching the CBS Evening News one night with Dan Rather and Connie Chung. Things are not going well. And I'm thinking we're a couple of nights away from another hideous photograph. I mean, everybody in this room knows Dan Rather is capable of anything including pulling a gun out on the set of the CBS Evening News. Dan has these, Dan has these utterly incomprehensible bucolic expressions that he punctuates conversations with. Several times after talking with him he would say to me, tamp them up solid. Having something to do, I later learned of fortifying the sides of underground tunnels that his father dug for reasons that remain unclear. Now, I'm hard of hearing, hearing impaired, I guess would be better, from wearing headphones for a long time. So I, I thought he was saying tampons are solid. And I'm thinking, why, why would he say that? I mean, I know he's nuts, but what does that mean? Anyway, I would laugh and I would say, uh-huh, and I would, I would hang up. He's a great reporter, but he does not have all of his bait in the water. And he's a little tense. I mean, watching Dan Rather do the news, he looks like he's making a hostage shake. They should have guys in ski masks, you know, and H.A. 47, just stand out there. And yet, he is one of the three or four people most Americans get their news from, along with Tom Brokaw, of course. By the way, nobody wants us out of Bosnia more than Tom does, simply so he doesn't have to try to pronounce Slobodan Milosevic. Or report on fighting on the outskirts of Velika Kladusa. Or describe how Slobodan Milosevic. I can say this. How Slobodan Milosevic. No, I can't say this. And we know Brian Williams is standing from the White House thinking I'm two Serb war criminals names away from Tom's job. And then there's Peter Jennings, who we are told more Americans get their news from than anyone else, and a man who freely admits that he cannot resist women. So I'm thinking, here's Peter Jennings sitting there each evening, elegant, erudite, refined, and I'm wondering, what's under his desk? I mean, besides an intern. The first place the telecommunications bill should have mandated that a V-chip be placed was in Mr. Jennings' shorts. My favorite moment on World News tonight was when Peter threw it to Coquie Roberts who we were told was standing outside the Capitol building. Remember that when they chroma-keyed Coquie outside the Capitol? That happened during my friend Rick Kaplan's watch. Bill Clinton's worst media day when Kaplan left as executive producer of World News tonight because he'd humped the Clinton administration harder than O.J. has his video. The only thing he didn't do was run a crawl of the Clinton Defense Fund's 800 number with a shot of Sally Struthers stopping in the camera. I, uh, by the way, I like Sally Struthers and I think she's a sweet, harmless soul doing God's work, but if you're going to go on television and beg for food for starving children, I mean, shouldn't you maybe like eat a little less of it yourself? I mean, I don't think the plight of suffering children is amusing. I've raised persons starving people. I mean, they might as well send a fat guy from Wendy's. And by the way, this is really awful. If you're Peter Jennings and you're telling more Americans than anyone else that's going on in the world, shouldn't you at least have a clue that your wife was over at Richard Drowman's house? She wasn't at my house. Bernard Shaw and, um, Peter couldn't be here tonight. He went to the movies with Alanis Morissette. Bernard Shaw and Judy Woodruff round out our network news anchors and deserve mention only to recognize that Bernie has greater net potential than even Dan Rather. If not, for CNN, Bernard Shaw is up to post office marching somebody around at the end of a wire coat hanger and a shotgun. And then there are the Sunday morning news programs. This week with David Brinkley. I love Mr. Brinkley. He's an American icon. He and I both had similar surgeries, and I recognize that Mr. Brinkley is 75 years old. He's adorable. He also, frankly, looks like E.T. One of these mornings I expect him to say, Koki, hum, hum. Now, he's not the only extraterrestrial on the program. There's also Sam Donaldson and George Will. First, Sam, the New Mexico sheep rancher. You would think anyone who's taken as much money from the government and wool subsidies that he has could come up with something better to put on his head. I mean, what is that? Something strong Thurman threw out? A cheap doily he swiped at Arianna Huffington's house? And then there's George Will and they call Steve Forbes a geek. Anyone that buttoned up, I guarantee you, is spending part of his weekend wearing clothes that make him feel pretty. Things he's picked up, we now know, at Victoria's Secret over in Georgetown. Meet the press with the utterly charming, gregarious Tim Russert has brought a new sense of adventure and enthusiasm to Sunday morning television. Mr. Russert's unique probing interrogation of guests is widely seen as bold and refreshing. Sawing off Bob Terry's wooden leg was a special moment. Good nature, however, and patient to a fault Tim is to be admired for enduring frequently insipid observations and questions from contributing correspondents who for some inexplicable reason include the coma-inducing William Sapphire, the terminally tedious David Broder, and Elton John look-alike Mary McGrory. Where did she get those glasses? By the way, Russert, as many of you know, came to television from the world of politics, having once worked for New York's Senator Moynihan and Governor Cuomo. He was a fine aide whose duties included hiding the bottles for Pat and the bodies for Mario. Some of you may have noticed Mike Wallace wandering around here tonight. For some insane reason, I agreed to be interviewed by Mr. Wallace. It's a good thing, actually, because frankly, time is up over there in 60 minutes. I mean, they've gone from biographical essays of Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Stephen Hawking, to profiles of blob-mouthed morons on the radio. I mean, have they no standards? And if they're going to fold up like a $2 suitcase every time some blood-sucking weasel in a Brooks Brothers suit threatens to haul them into court, then they'll upload the entire cast in an ambulant now and ship them off to the drug test. I mean, I hate to be harsh here, but where are the days when Mike Wallace used to stick a camera in some poor sap's face and beat him like a rented mule? Where are the sobbing confessions? And they've been doing this for a hundred years. It is over. Except perhaps for Steve Croft, and he's hoping he can go over to NBC and blow up trucks. And Ed Bradley, we think the earring thing, Ed, you're a newsman, not a pirate. Molly Ivins is going to be a commentator. Why not just go ahead and get Florence King? I told Nina Sotenberg, pleasure isn't jokes weren't funny. Speaking of people whose place on the planet is a waste of space, the White House Press Corps. I mean, no wonder the president doesn't want to hold any news conferences. Who needs to be assaulted by a pack of rodents whose idea of a question is to confront the president with an insulting observation designed only to impress their equally rude and arrogant colleagues? Mr. President, to read a braver, CBS News, we all know you're a pot-smoking weasel that you once ate an apple critter the size of a baby's head and that you actually run a 12-minute mile. Could you, therefore, tell the American people why that thing on your lip looks like a melt dud? And if it is a melt dud and I'd like a follow-up? Sir, Brent here may be seen and, sir, everybody knows the closest you ever came to stand in a chow line was the cheeseburger window at McDonald's. So tell me, and the American people, is that where you came up with buy one, get one free? The president gets treated better by Rush Limbaugh. Rush may not, as Al Franken suggests, be a big, fat idiot, but I'm sick of him. The radio show, the television show, the stupid books, and now men's ties. Bold, vibrant, colorful, and all designed to look great with a brown shirt. What a surprise that Rush is selling something that goes around a person's neck. And Rush didn't date in high school? You're kidding. You mean the varsity cheerleaders weren't falling all over a fat, pig-eyed schmoo who looked like a cross between Red Dog and one of those Budweiser frogs? He should be on a beat somewhere in a pair of Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt, white socks, sandals holding a metal detector. He couldn't get a date in high school? Maybe they should have had his senior prom at SeaWorld. Remember the old joke, what's got 100 feet and four teeth? You know, the front row of a Willie Nelson concert? Well, of course, now it's a rush room. How appropriate that these ditto dorks all get together and eat and listen to Lardbutt. And then there's Newt. Who names a child Newt? And only slightly better than a boy named Sue. Well, he came into the world from the right side of town, George, a boy who was big around dreaming one day he'd wield power absolute. He's a guy who spends a lot of time in the fridge and it's no wonder he wants to bring back the orphanage. You would too if your parents named you Newt. Now, you atheists had better beware because school children's heads will be bowed in prayer to seek to the Lord to get rid of the poor and the queers. Remember, Newt and his conservative protégés were going to fix this country in a hundred days and he was so proud he was on the verge of tears. But now the ethics folks are snooping for cash and his cheesy book was less than a smash and the polls all report he's held in disrepute. His sister's a thespian and appeared on Friends and his poor old mom still trying to make amends. I'll tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Newt. And it was Newt, remember, who wanted to give every kid mired in the poverty of urban America a laptop computer. Not nearly as popular as Phil Graham's plan to give every white male in the country a lap dancer. My friend Kinky Friedman, who headed gay Texans for Graham, told me early on that the senator was not going to be president. Now, of course, we all know that. I was in Las Vegas when the news broke that Senator Graham had financed a porno movie. It was better than having Ed McMahon hand me a check for $10 million. The only better news would have been had Senator Graham actually appeared in a movie. I mean, how great would that have been? I could, like one of those farmer's daughter deals, I could see Phil in the role of the traveling salesman, Lamar Alexander like as the farmer, Pat Buchanan, the weird ranch man, one of John Kerry's old dates, right off the bale of hay on Hee Haw. And by the way, what was the deal with the wagon? Pull the wagon, push the wagon, get in the wagon, get out of the wagon? What wagon? Where did he think he was? The Ponderosa? Senator Graham was fond of saying he was too ugly to be president. Well, that was not his problem. I know he has a PhD in economics, but you can't sound like you just walked out of the woods in deliverance and not scare people. You got a real party mouth on you there, Bubba. Not happening. Bob Dole. What else does Bob Dole want? Willard Scott's already wished Bob Dole happy birthday. Hey, twice. Bob Dole should be pleased. Bob Dole says, tell Willard Scott to stop lying about Bob Dole's age. And I agree with Ted Koppel. Pat Buchanan has a certain inherent charm. However, if he gets elected president, two weeks later somebody's knocking on your door at three o'clock in the morning. Just checking. kind of a name of Imus. Although, all this stuff about being anti-Semitic, I don't know about that. A lot of people aren't aware that he lost a relative in a concentration camp. His uncle fell out of a guard tower. Mort Sahl made the original observation that people who talk most about family values are all on their second and third wives. And I would point out that they all have families you could rope off and charge admission to view. you throw up a tent and put Pat Buchanan and his brother Bay, Newt, Mom, Candace, and Hugh Rodham in it and you're looking at the theme part. Now, I love Ronald Reagan as do most Americans, regardless of politics. But, man, what a weird family. Nancy's staring at him like a glass-eyed Mooney on mushrooms, checking with his nut log out on the West Coast who's charting the course of the country on a Ouija board. I mean, what was that all about? And the kid, Ron Prampin around in his underwear on Saturday Night Live and Patty's naked and playboy and each of them had these Mommy Dearest book deals. And, of course, they all still hate Michael. Weird families are not confined to Republicans, of course. Remember the Carters? Pam Jordan, Willie Nelson are smoking dope on the roof of the White House and Billy's out in the middle of an airport hosing down the runway while Jimmy's flailing away at a killer bunny with a canoe paddle asking Amy to weigh in on America's role in the nuclear age. And while President Clinton's cabinet is not technically a family, they are the single oddest looking group of people ever assembled. Like the bar scene out of Star Wars. I mean, watching them file in for the State of the Union reminded me of singing all those clowns called out of the boat swingers as a circus. And speaking of Congress, while Al D'Amato, Jesse Helms, and Strong Thurman are mildly amusing as the chairman of various committees, I miss the Democrats who were in charge, especially Joe Biden and Joe Biden's head. tracking the progress of his plug job is like watching time-lapse photography of a Chia Pet. He was most entertaining, however, as a committee chairman conducting hearings because Senator Biden always looked at me like he was coming on to the witnesses. Seriously, women. So, Anita, when this is all over, you want to have a drink? And although he's disappeared, he hasn't, as have 13 of his colleagues actually quit. Of course, there are those Democrats who are not only staying, but are doing so with renewed vigor and enthusiasm, mostly by becoming Republicans. With several noble exceptions, John Kerry of Massachusetts among them. Which now gives me the opportunity to express my regret at having referred to my friend Senator Kerry upon his marriage to Teresa Hines as the Larry Portensky of the United States Senate. Which reminds me of poor old John Warner. The Senator marries Elizabeth Taylor, one of the most beautiful women in the world. Three weeks later, he comes home. She's sitting in the kitchen playing deal-a-meal with Richard Simmons. I mean, how do you get that fast and not live in a trailer? And then he has to choose between Chuck Robb and Oliver North. I mean, what's the deal with his climate? But back to Senator Kerry, I also now recognize that it was irresponsible to suggest that he was a suspect in his own life's unfortunate mugging. If the authorities thought it made sense that a senator from Massachusetts would be in Puerto Rico on a fundraising mission during the time of family crisis, it should have made sense to me as well. However, when I initially thought about it, it only seemed slightly more plausible than chipping golf balls at 10 o'clock at night. But the senator and I are past that, and in fact, it has drawn us closer. And yes, some unanticipated good for other Democrats came out of the Republicans gaining control of Congress. Senator Kennedy, for example, was forced to focus and take a bribe, leaving Chris Dodd the opportunity to get his bearings and realize, hey, I'm a United States senator. Maybe I shouldn't be crawling around on the floor of this restaurant. In fact, as you know, Senator Dodd has recovered sufficiently to become the general chairman of the Democratic National Committee and will play a pivotal role in the president's re-election effort. In fact, he has a couple bumper sticker ideas. Clinton Gore, please raise your right hand. Or perhaps Clinton Gore, or more, or five to ten. Now, we're not sure what role James Carver or his dog will play in all this. But isn't it just like a Democratic consultant to come along and make a mess and then expect somebody else to clean it up? While I am not one of, obviously, Bill Clinton's advisors, and it's not that I think Al Gore has done a horrible job, however, if I were the president and I wanted to make sure I won in November, I'd ask Colin Powell to run with me. Stick Dole with that dork from Michigan. him. However, it appears it will be Bill Clinton and the albatross Al Gore for the Democrats, and Bob Dole and someone slightly less cranky for the Republicans, add the jug-eared little Martian from Texas for laughs. One of the things that seems to me that the media ought to think about in the coming months, particularly in a selection year, consumed by the chaos of the campaign, is the sensibilities of the people who you cover, the way you cover them and your treatment of them as individuals. For if nothing else, they are all good and decent people who for whatever reasons have chosen to devote the bulk of their adult lives to public service. People who possess a passion for ideas and ideals to which they have committed extraordinary energy. It is almost always irrelevant and short-sighted to seize only on the unfortunate human imperfections of people who frankly have demonstrated an often puzzling willingness to endure great sacrifice, both personally and professionally, for what they see as a noble summons to serve the greater good. More often than not, however, that is exactly the case. You folks focus on each misstep, every misspoken word, each testy outburst. Do they not deserve some degree of our respect? To be treated with the dignity that at least acknowledges the mission of altruism they believe they're conducting. shouldn't we be willing to give them some benefit of the doubt? I don't think so. Thank you all very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hope everybody got a good laugh out of that. And I hope you all appreciate that Don Imus sort of put himself on the line there. And the president is probably singing, you ain't nothing but a hound dog. So he will not, I'm sure, be invited to any more functions to speak when the president is there. And I think that warrants a little bit of admiration because it took a lot of courage to say a lot of the things that he said. At the beginning of the program, I was talking about some of you who didn't understand what the broadcast was last night, why we're doing this thing on Karl Marx. Well, I'm going to read you a letter. This letter is brutally honest. Actually, it's a fax. Brutally honest. So listen very carefully to it. And take the hint, folks. If you're not up to the standards of this broadcast, you can also take a hike. It's just the way it is. Here's the letter. Dear Bill, maybe you should explain to the listeners once again what you were doing last night with your research into the racist attitudes and beliefs of Marx and Engels, etc., and why it is important for them to understand what you are telling them. I think the information is going over many heads. I have fielded phone calls today from callers asking, quote, Why was Bill lecturing last night, end quote? What was the point of all that? With everything else that's going on in the world, I can't understand why you spent an hour on that stuff. And basically, what's the deal, man? Well, I have explained that the victim mentality which is promoted and rewarded in this country leads to an embracing of socialist ideologies, which, if they were understood in light of the men who gave structure to the philosophy, most would find abhorrent, especially if they have been the recipients of the alleged benefits of the socialist philosophy. If they were honest for even one minute and gave this matter some thought, they would have to admit that everything which has been done, quote, for the good of the people, end quote, which is based on a socialist doctrine has been destructive. Punity leads into captivity and annihilates self-reliance and self-respect. In fact, it may be necessary to speak to some of these listeners at a lower grade level, as it were. A listing of certain sacred cow socialist ideals and programs needs to be once again labeled as socialist, then identified with Marxism, and then exposed as intended for the destruction of the recipients, as documented in the racist writings of Marx, et cetera. If the phone calls I have handled today are any indication at all of the kind of reaction your program is having overall, I would have to say that the material is over their heads. In addition to the less than receptive reaction I have observed to last night's hour of the time, there is a disturbing attitude concerning the beating of the alleged illegal immigrants by California law enforcement officers last night. Far too many people are saying, quote, well, in California, they're really fighting illegal immigration. And they know those people are going to resist and fight back. The cops did what they probably had to do, end quote. In response to these and similar comments, I have explained an agenda of desensitizing the public to seeing this kind of behavior and have asked if any of the callers observed any signs of resistance in the people being pulled from the truck. None had seen evidence that the people in the truck were trying to fight law enforcement. No one saw the arrestees pulling a weapon or trying to hit the officers. I suggested that they might rethink the situation if they were being pulled over for a speeding ticket, did not resist, but were beaten anyway. These beatings are just another manifestation of, quote, guilty until proven innocent, end quote. These remarks coming from people who supposedly are constitutionists. Additionally, I've discussed the alien issue at great length with many people trying to make them understand that before too long, patriots will be the aliens. We can achieve nothing in exile, in prison, or from the grave. People are so stupid, I can hardly stand it. I just couldn't say that word on the air, folks. It's brutal. And it's right to the point. As far as I'm concerned, it's absolutely accurate. That's the letter. And I'm going to tell you right now, I'm not going to explain anything. If you don't have the intelligence of a duck, and I know a lot of ducks that can understand what I did last night, then you need to tune in to some other broadcast somewhere else you are not fit to listen to the hour of the time. Good night, folks, those of you who deserve it. And for all of you, no matter who you are, what your intelligence level is, God bless you. And I hope he does. Maybe he'll bring your level up to speed. See you later, Rattie Ditto. Well, it's all my baby walking. There's another man today. Well, it's all my baby walking. There's another man today. Well, it's all my baby waiting for you. Wait, you have to watch the matter. This is what I heard of saying. See you later, alligator. Ask a wild crocodile. See you later, alligator. Ask a wild crocodile. Can't see you if I went out. Don't you know you're super sorry. You're super aware of what you told me. I'm not going to be near the middle of my head. When I thought of what she told me. Nearly made me move my head. But the next time that I saw her reminded her of what she said. See you later, alligator. Ask a wild crocodile. See you later, alligator. Ask a wild crocodile. Can't ya see you're in my way down. Don't you know you're super sorry. She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy You know my love is just for you She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy You know my love is just for you Once you say that you'll forgive me And tell your heart for me is true I said, wait a minute, gator I know you mean it's just for play I don't care, wait a minute, gator I know you mean it's just for play Don't you know you never hurt me And this is what I have to say See you later, alligator After a while, crocodile See you later, alligator After a while, crocodile Can't you see you on my way down Don't you know you never hurt me See you later, alligator After a while, crocodile What are you going to say? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.